I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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