This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
