A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
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For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i think my cat just said my name.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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