Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
