I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
