I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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