i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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