why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
