I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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