Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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