Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize
