You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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