I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
