hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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