I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
