I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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