He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
