are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
