Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
