You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
