I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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