Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
