I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
