If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
