So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
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The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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