Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
