Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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