why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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