I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
