I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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