dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
