Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
