So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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