I just saw a hot homeless man
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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