So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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