Kiss
Puke
barbara walters just said penis...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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