I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
