yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
