That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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