Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
