6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just gargled with NyQuil
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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