i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
