Betty ford says i'm here all night
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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