My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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