I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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