I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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