I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
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