Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
