Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
