I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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