Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
