Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
