I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
love makes seman taste better
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
