if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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