I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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