this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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