I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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