Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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