I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
